Job Listings

2017 June 30

Career Advisor (£12,500/yr) – Job Centre
Business is booming here at the Job Centre, and as a result we’re looking for dynamic young graduates to join our team. Due to the global economic downturn, we no longer deal exclusively with skivers, gypos and the mentally deranged. You may even see some of your old classmates! Duties include waving at the destitute, making cups of tea and picking up empty cans of Special Brew. Bonuses include a complimentary name-badge and free use of all windows and doors. Call us on 08456 287 9953 (Due to high competition for this post, please do not apply unless you currently possess or are predicted at least a 1st degree in law, engineering, or medical science.)

Mad Tramp (Commission) – Oxford Road
Have you got a strange glint in your eye? Convinced that you are, in fact Raptor, Jesus’ sole living heir? Do you masturbate on the steps outside central library? If so, why not dive beard-first into the exciting world of homelessness? Meet interesting people, experience the ultimate independence and anything you make is yours to do with as you see fit – heroin is very cosmopolitan, why not get addicted to that? This is just one of many possible outcomes of an awesome career in homelessness. If you’re interested, simply go and sit in the street for a bit.

PULP writer (£35,423/yr) – MancUnion
Can you read and/or write? Due to the overwhelming number of complaints about this year’s PULP, MancUnion is looking for a clean slate for next year, free from the political saboteurs and Nazi sympathizers that brought PULP 08/09 into such disrepute. For financial reasons we cannot offer the 08/09 salary, so applicants will be paid a reduced salary of £35,423/yr plus free gigs, free albums and £1000 bonus for every article written for the website. Begins September 09. Contact if you’re interested in joining next year’s student magazine super-league.