Strategic Job Hunting
The world has collapsed. Your chances of getting a job through conventional means are approaching nil, and desperate times call for desperate measures. Lets think outside the box, shall we?
The HR Fail Approach
Just start doing the job. Human Resources and wages departments are used to their own catastrophic balls-ups. Simply begin work wherever you like, making as many new friends as possible, then approach HR, asking why you haven’t been paid yet. They won’t have your file, but they won’t have many other people’s files either. If in doubt, cry like a child and scream “NOBODY EVER NOTICES ME HERE! WHAT AM I TO YOU?” Expect a paycheck on the 30th.
The CIA Approach
Set up a network of spies within your chosen company. These operatives will work on commission for a share of any money embezzled into your bank account whilst at work. Be sure to use a false name like ‘Sorethroat’. Their primary objective is to get you employed at a high-salaried position. Once in, fire all of them publicly. Thieving swine.
The Cuban Missile Crisis Approach
Keep escalating your threats to the point where your interviewer believes you’re perfectly fine with mutually assured destruction. Best utilised with Russian companies. Quitters.
The Extraordinary Rendition Approach
Kidnap the boss and transport them across the border to a country with relaxed laws on mindless violence. Scotland should do it. Waterboard them ‘til employed. This has the benefit of being completely legal: your government does it all the time.
The Sexual Harassment Lawsuit Approach
Get a friend to borrow a gold Rolex and touch you in your special place. Take photos. Blackmail any manager whose hairy, bejeweled arm looks similar. They wont be able to remember if it was you that night at the hotel.
The Sleeping You Way To The Top Approach
Sleep your way in, around the departments, and all the way up to the penthouse corner office. Extra credit for breaking the glass ceiling metaphor.
Alexander Walsh
