PULP Unreleased, Volume 1: TV Listings

To celebrate the end of PULP 08/09, over the next week or so I will gradually be uploading all the content that never saw the light of day for reasons varying from time constraints to basic taste and decency.

Intended for: Pulp 7: Human Affairs
Reason it was not included: Wasn’t finished in time

TV Listings

BBC One

5.00 – Kidz Newxzzz – (WS) Kenzie D. Bosh tells it like it is in a new, lively format aimed at Generations Z-B2. Presented with a positive, “everything’s A-OK” style that’s appropriate to “yoof” audiences.
5.15 – Blue Peter – A sad episode of Blue Peter as the team are forced to bury the recently deceased Blue Peter dog with their bare hands. Will they get through the six inches of concrete before the stench of Rex’s corpse overwhelms them?
6.00 – BBC News – Everything’s rubbish and it will never get better.
6.30 – Regional News – People near you want to kill you, it rains 30 hours a day, and on a lighter note some kid won a competition and now they’re going to the moon.
7.00 – The One Show – The two most inherently dislikeable presences on British television team up to present a bunch of atrocious crap you don’t care about.
8.00 – Top Gear – Pillocks in cars.
9.00 – Louis Theroux Meets… Louis Theroux - The world is at risk of imploding as the levels of smug-twattery reach nigh-on unbearable levels when derisive pillock-journalist meets himself.
10.00 – The Contrived Zaniness of Danny Wallace - The latest in the long-running series, Danny Wallace and Dave Gorman or whatever decide to communicate exclusively via the medium of the bicycle bell for some stupid reason.

BBC Two

5.00 – Cooking With The Homeless – Hector Bluemantile takes to the streets of Longsight in preparation for his boldest dish yet, in which he plans to serve the remains of slaughtered vagrants to ten celebrities. Featuring Angus Deyton.
5.30 – Auctionroom Sweep – Dale Winton returns to present a new dynamic mixture of the traditional auction show and Supermarket Sweep, in which the public are given a sawn-off shotgun, a balaclava, and thirty seconds to steal as many priceless antiques as they can fit in their trolley before security wrestle them to the floor. Will they manage to grab the inflatable banana?
6.00 – The Biggest British Brains in Britain – Which country has the biggest brain, Scotland, Wales, England or one of the others? Chantelle from Big Brother rounds up a hundred people from each country and – in a revolutionary new surgical technique – weighs their brains on the high street. An average is taken, but who will win?
7.00 – Combo Breaker - Another quiz show, presented by that person you vaguely remember. Not him, the other one.
8.00 – Horizon: How Is Babby Formed? – Horizon special looking at how exactly babies are made, and startling new evidence suggesting that current scientific opinion may be wrong.
9.00 – Pinpoint – Rubbish American drama.
9.45 – Best of Dragon’s Den (R).
9.50 – The Aggregate – An investigation into the changing face of student politics in Britain.
10.00 – Mock The Week – A vehicle for four atrocious stand-up comedians, so transparent it’s being considered as a replacement for the Popemobile. Will Frankie Boyle – the poor man’s Jerry Sadowitz – offer more jokes about life i Scotland, or will he just get “topical” and make gags about the Twin Towers or something? I’m so bloody shocked.

ITV

5.00 – ITV News & Weather – Same as BBC News but slightly cheaper and with less good on-the-scene stuff.
6.00 – You’ve Been Framed – Old women falling in streams, cats dying in fires and babies who make funny faces.
7.00 – Moss Side East – Britain’s longest-running whistful Northern soap. Will Shannon find the knife that killed Kenzie? Will Ed’s secret remain secret, or will Marco become wise to his act? Will Loraine find a buyer for her and Marko’s secret love child? Or will she be forced to put it in a bag and throw it into the canal?
8.00 – Coronation Street – Seriously?
9.00 – Britain’s Got Dossers – Panto queen Simon Cowell, racist thug Cheryl Cole and androgynous frog-man-woman Pete Burns snigger at the mentally ill in front of a baying audience under the gossimer-thin veil of a talent show. Featuring a touching human interest story, but only about the ones who are “talented”. Some of the no-hopers have tragic stories too, but best not to mention that, or you may feel a shiver of compassion while three millionaires shout at them on national television. Presented by Dermot O’Leary.
9.45 – Britain’s Got Dossers Extra – Dermot O’Leary drives Simon Cowell to the houses of the poor and desperate so he can personally piss in their mouths. He holds their noses until they can hold their breath no longer, then lets loose. After they’ve choked down the last of the warm, salty sprinklings, they are required to thank Cowell and sing a comically atrocious song for the amusement of the nation.
10.00 – Wye-Aye Man – Ubiquitous Geordies Ant & Dec present a vaguely modernized rendition of Noel’s House Party. Subtitles for the geordie-impaired.
11.00 – Confidential Matters (1991) – Erotic thriller starring Rutger Haur as a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the rules. Corrupt businessmen are ruining the American dream, but can one cop bring down the modern-day mob? Featuring needless sepia-tinted sex scene with one of the girls from Saved By The Bell. Not the black one, the other one. No, the other one.

Channel 4

5.00 – Bruce Forsyth Presents Bruce Forsyth’s Heads Or Tails featuring Bruce Forsyth – Bruce Forsyth presents a new gameshow in which the public must toss a coin ten times in a row for a chance to win over £9000. Can they beat the laws of probability?
6.00 – Foreskins – Appalling youth drama. This week, Rory and Izzy are sick in a traffic cone after having all their blood replaced with heroin. May not be suitable for anybody born prior to last Thursday. Guest appearance by Cool Dude Indie Band.
7.00 – Come Dine With Me – Comical backstabbing and in-fighting combined with shoddy cookery.
8.00 – Jamie Oliver: You’re A Bad Parent – cheeky cockney chef chappy Jamie Oliver returns to remind you what a fucking terrible parent you are. Get that fucking pasty out of your mouth you fat bitch. You make me sick. If you weren’t too busy baking yourself inside a cake for the sole purpose of eating your way out, maybe your kids wouldn’t be perfectly spherical.
9.00 – Derren Brown presents The War (Live) – In his most ludicrous set-piece yet, psychological tormentor Derren Brown hypnotizes the whole of France into waging war on Germany.
10.00 – Channel 4 News – Coverage on the predicted war between France & Germany.
11.00 – The 100 Greatest Stand Ups Ever! – People who know nothing about comedy are invited to hold forth on their rubbish opinions and eventually decide that the greatest comedian of all time is, sadly, Frankie Boyle.

Channel 5

5.00 – New Zealand Hygiene Police (R) – follow Bobby Gauntlet as he investigates New Zealand’s worth public health offenders.
6.00 – Zany Pets! – Les Dennis provides amusing voiceovers for YouTube clips in between extended vignettes of the former Family Fortunes star sat in his dressing room, staring blankly at the wall as he drinks white spirit neat from the bottle.
7.00 – Roadkill Rescue – Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee straddle an unlit country road in hope of resuscitating a recently-flattened hedgehog. You’ll like it not a bit.
8.00 – Did Lady Di Really Die? – New tapes reveal a potential hoax in which Diana’s car was surreptitiously swapped with a decoy vehicle. Did Lady Di really die, or were the British public tricked with little more than a bag of sheep bladders and dog teeth in a white suit and a blonde wig? Latest installment in “atrocious conspiracy theory” season.
9.00 – The Man With Fifty Faces – The latest in the “Thruppence a Gander” series, hark at the weirdo! Look at him! Look! Aww, now feel sorry for him, all the while having a good long stare. Look! Look at him!
10.00 – The Elephant Man (WS) – Now watch this!

BBC Three

6.00 – Eat Things For Money – Youth reality show in which punters on the street are offered £10 to eat their personal effects on screen. Featuring Kenzie D. Bosh.
7.00 – Physical Deformities – Please welcome the return of the Victorian freakshow as people with physical abnormalities are asked how they feel by smug media twats with a camera. Not quite as classy as Channel 5.
8.00 – I Can’t Stop Spending! – Some irritating media tit tells you how hard it is for young Penny, who is addicted to designer handbags and lavish spending sprees on her father’s credit card. Made by people who wouldn’t spit on a homeless person if he was on fire, but will openly weep salty tears at the plight of these young cockmonglers.
9.00 – Two Pints of Lager & A Packet of Crisps (R) – Categorical proof that God exists and is punishing us.
10.00 – Conductor – Rubbish sitcom about British rail. “Starring” Sheridan Smith as a ticket collector who falls in love with a fair dodger. One of those shows where they think up the location before they’ve written the characters.
11.00 – Kill Yourself – Not a programme, more a recommendation. Or switch over to BBC Four to catch the tail end of A Question of Gramophones.

John Tucker (10/03/09)