Alternative Summer Jobs, Volume 2: Armed Robbery

So you’ve been pickpocketing for a while now and you’ve been reaping the ample rewards – but how best to take this to the next level? How can this rather hands-on process be streamlined?

Armed robbery is the ideal career for people looking to sharpen their conflict resolution and people skills – while pickpocketing is best done without a lot of interaction with the client, armed robbery depends on your ability to hold people’s attention and give effective management, and looks great on your CV. Armed robbers are go-getters who reach out and take whatever they want and are not inhibited by anything that gets in their way.

What can I earn?

Depending on your workload, a fair sight more than pickpocketing. However, it’s impossible to do “regular spots” as you do with pickpocketing, so once a shop has been robbed you might want to give it a few months before going back. Combining this with pickpocketing would be a lucrative career indeed, but the enthusiastic amateur should only do one at a time until they reach a point, schedule-wise, where they feel comfortable juggling the two careers.

What do I need?

Armed robbery doesn’t require the skills of the pickpocket – who can easily take your tie off your neck without you feeling it – but it does require a few bits of industry-standard equipment.

- A gun. Knives don’t cut it any more and asking nicely doesn’t work – also, some of the shops south of the city centre will have guns beneath the counter (the gatling gun beneath the cosmetics counter of the Rusholme Superdrug is a good example) so you need to at least be carrying a good quality revolver. These can be bought in the shop in the student’s union at a considerable student discount, or simply pickpocket one from Longsight.

- A disguise. The drawn-on mustache that serves the pickpocket so well will generally not support a close-up worker, mostly because the pickpocket’s task is to be invisible, and armed robbery depends on a little face-to-face time with your clients. A good-quality balaclava is recommended, or – if you have considered adding an element of supervillainy to your work – an appropriate costume.

- A getaway route. You can walk, but it’s generally recommended that you have some form of transport that is both slightly armoured and can move faster than a human (in case you are chased) – it’s often a good idea to make friends with people of a similar disposition and split the driving duties. Carpool situations like this are a great way to meet other robbers, and to give something back to the burglary community. A communal petrol fund should be established early on or – failing that – steal the petrol.

- A good sense of command. If you want to work in close-up robbery, you need to get people to do what you want, when you want – there’s no reason to be rude, and do mind your language where children or women may be present, but you need to be curt and prompt with people. If this is something with which you struggle, invest in a vocal coach.

So you’ve got your equipment and possibly a team together – now you need to start planning a robbery, otherwise all this theorizing is rather redundant. So here’s a hypothetical case study that has worked for me in the past, but robbery is a very personal area and you’ll bring elements of yourself to the performance. The bank is the most difficult type of robbery but has the greatest rewards, so if you feel you can manage this, you can manage anything – if you’re a little shaky, start off with small shops (charity shops are notorious for their flimsy security and aging staff) and work your way up to the banks.

Case Study: NatWest Bank, 33 Piccadilly, Manchester
Criteria: Lone worker, no getaway vehicle

Step 1: Enter the bank at the end of the trading day. The reasons for this should be obvious; there will be more money inside, less customers, and fewer people on the street outside. There’s some debate about this, as some believe robberies should be done first thing in the morning – the money’s worth more at the beginning of the day than the end, and the attendants are less likely to remember you at the end of the working day when they eventually call the police. However, there’s nothing to stop them calling the police straight away, in which case the police have all day to find you, whereas if you stick the bank up at the end of the business day the police aren’t working on it until they get in the next morning (or, if you do this on a Friday, you have the weekend in hand).

Step 2: Approach the counter in a kind and friendly manner. Do not draw any unwanted attention to yourself as you wait, and if anybody comments on the length of the line to you, just nod and agree. This step is all about remaining inconspicuous.

Step 3: As you approach the window, tell the person behind you how much fun you had paintballing that afternoon. This provides a visible justification for wearing a balaclava and carrying a gun.

Step 4: Concern the bank attendant with some genuine bank business – put some money into your existing account (being sure to get your card back after the robbery, as this will have your name on) or inquire as to the possibility of opening a new account with the bank.

Step 5: After a while, ask the bank attendant how long her arms are. This must be done casually or it’s going to sound peculiar.

Step 6: This next line is integral – “I bet your arms aren’t as long as his”. This will pique the interest of the other attendant, who should respond to this competitively. The only logical way to prove who has the longest arms is to raise them both in the air for comparison. Don’t spend too long looking to see who has the longest arms (generally it will be the men) as this is just misdirection and doesn’t really matter.

Step 7: At this point, point your gun at the attendants and demand that they don’t move their arms. This seemingly innocent game of “whose arms are longest” has given you a golden opportunity – their hands are in the air before the robbery’s even begun, meaning that no shutters are coming up and no alarms will sound. At this point, put on a second balaclava to show them you’re serious (and to stop them identifying the first balaclava later on when speaking to the authorities).

Step 8: Have one of them open the door that lets you into the back offices of the bank. Before you head in, distribute gaffer tape and rope to the customers and security staff so that they can tie and gag eachother while you work – this is a time saving measure (there will be one person left who has nobody left to tie and gag him, so it’s best to just assume that this person will either faint from shock or just lie face down on the carpet).

Step 9: Find the bank manager and have him open the vault. The attendants can get to work fetching you other valuables, such as pens on chains, cups of tea and student railcards (note: a lot of banks will offer burglars a railcard as a method of getting them to take their balaclava off for the picture – you should ideally bring your own passport photographs and demand that they let you emboss them onto the card yourself, or just take the blanks and put your photograph on them later).

Step 10: Have the bank manager put all the money into the sports bags you have brought with you. This should total somewhere in the region of £100,000 in £20 and £10 denominations. Some bank managers will offer you a cheque for the value of the money in the vault – they will dress this up as an act of kindness, making out that it will be easier for you to carry a cheque than £100,000 in cash. This should be declined for obvious reasons.

Step 11: Make your way back out to the front lobby. As you make your way out of the door, shoot out the two CCTV cameras (one will be behind the desk and the other on top of the front door). This will destroy the videotapes inside them. This takes care of the CCTV.

Step 12: The getaway. The police will not be on their way, as you timed this for the end of the business day, so simply walk home at a leisurely pace (being sure to take off the balaclavas and pop them in the bag along with the gun). Or, if you live some way away, hop on a bus or a tram (making sure not to pay with the stolen money, as this necessitates opening a gym bag containing fifty thousand pounds in cash on a Manchester bus, which is ill-advised regardless of how you came to acquire fifty thousand pounds in cash) and make sure to get off a little way away from your house so that it’s harder for the police to locate you should a witness come forward.

Step 13: Don’t spend all the money on flash cars or gold crowns – invest it back into bank robbery the first few times, buying better guns, bigger sports bags, a faster getaway vehicle or more comfortable balaclavas. Repeat with other banks until you’ve got enough money to pay off your loans, get you started in your chosen career or have yourself gilded.

Step 14: ???

Step 15: Profit!

What if the police turn up at the bank?

They probably won’t.

Final Points

With online banking rising in popularity and a global recession, the age of the bank robber is coming to an end – banks are going to greater lengths than ever to protect their money, some even installing a third CCTV camera. As such, you need to get what you can from this career while you can.

This isn’t an ideal career for everybody – the shy and reserved pickpocket may find its brazen-ness off-putting. But if you feel you’re good with people and have what it takes to walk out of a bank with a hundred thousand pounds in cash, this could be the job for you.

John Tucker